I'm a pretty big fan of Syd Lexia, an Internet writer specializing in pop culture from the '80's and early '90's. His writing style is a pretty big influence on my own, and while I can't say I agree with his love of hair metal, I can say that he's a pretty kickass dude. So imagine his displeasure when some weak-sauced site named "Topless Robot" decided to hotlink one of his images of MegaMan villain "Burst Man" in an article authored by some amateur named Caleb Goellner entitled "The 9 Most Suggestive Mega Man Boss Names". The article sucked (even I've written better stuff on my worst day, which is, you know, every day), and the site seems to be an incredibly watered-down version of the infinitely superior Cracked.com. Syd did not cotton to such dickery, and quickly changed the hotlinked image in question to reveal the following [CLICK TO ENLARGE]: It's not too often that I get to use the "Vulgar Display of Ownage" tag, but when I do, it's incredibly satisfying. By the way, you know how I got that image on my computer? I saved it to my computer and re-uploaded it to Blogger, and it took all of five seconds. See Caleb, it's not that tough, now is it? The image has been up for over a week, and it's looking like that sucker ain't coming down any time soon. I'd recommend a boycott of Topless Robot, but the site sucks anyway, so it's not like anyone would want to go to it anyway. In the meantime, let's all just point and laugh at Topless Robot's lack of professionalism and competence. Sure, I'm not that much more professional (despite the "fucking professionals" tag) or competent, but at least my site isn't named "Topless Robot".
P.S. To illustrate how lame this article was, I give you the entry for "Plug Man":
"Plug Man watches Laugh-In waiting with anticipation as they tell his favorite knock-knock joke - y'know, the one where the punchline is "socket to me!" He's got a pretty innocent sense of humor for an evil robot, which is why the rest of the Mega Man 9 bosses chuckle about his unfortunate name behind his back."
That's the whole entry. Two sentences. You'd think with a name like "Plug Man", Caleb Goellner would at least sneak in a cheap butt plug joke, but he can't even do that right! Also, it's "sock it to me", not "socket". Weak sauce man, weak sauce.
P.P.S. Yeah, it's been a week since the last update, my bad. Thanksgiving was not kind to LVS, I'll be back to full strength soon.
It's come to my attention that one of the last living legends of rock and roll, Ronnie James Dio, vocalist for Black Sabbath, Heaven and Hell, Rainbow, and his solo career, has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. I usually don't like to do posts on material ripped straight from Blabbermouth, but I feel as if I need to some good energy towards Mr. Dio. Get well soon, you are in our thoughts and prayers. We're all with you, Ronnie, and long live Rock and Roll!
The cancer is in the early stages, so I sincerely hope that Dio makes a full recovery. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to blast "The Dio Years" and "Holy Diver" to send some vibes towards Mr. Dio. Also, if you're a total newb who thought that "Holy Diver" was a Killswitch Engage song, allow me to re-introduce you to the real deal:
I was never a huge Hatebreed fan. I don't mind listening to them from time to time, mostly because early Hatebreed sounds like late Sepultura (by late Sepultura, I mean "Chaos A.D."). I'm not even kidding, if you played me "Conceived Through An Act of Violence" and told me it was a B-Side to Sepultura's "Refuse/Resist" single, I'd believe you. So in small doses, I can enjoy Hatebreed. I think going to a Hatebreed show would be pretty fun, because I've heard they are absolutely intense live. But overall, metallic hardcore just isn't my thing, though I do prefer it to metalcore. Then again, what don't I prefer to metalcore? I don't like them near as much as of Sergeant D of Metal Inquisition/Stuff You Will Hate, who I'm a huge fan of, as you all should know. In a recent MI post, a review of a Hatebreed/Cannibal Corpse show, he declared that "If you don't like Hatebreed, you are not my friend." That bums me out, because I only think Hatebreed are "OK", but I'd love to chill with the Sarge and buy him a beer, if I was old enough to drink. Regardless of how much the Sarge loved the 'Breed, I don't think even he could defend the following video:
Yes, that is a video of Naruto footage synced up to Hatebreed's "I Will Be Heard". File under "Things The World Does Not Need". I could spend 800 words telling you how ridiculous this video is, but you know what? That's just unnecessary, anyone with eyes can see this video is completely ridiculous! Plus, I was a huge fan of watching AMVs (animated music videos, for those not "in the know"), and the ones I watched often features Papa Roach and P.O.D., so I can't really talk. Blame Colin, he was the one who downloaded them off Kazaa and told me to watch them. Also, I thought this video was the shit:
I was one weird kid.
RANDOM HATEBREED NOTES: -My vocalist has seen Hatebreed six times...and he has never gone to a show to see Hatebreed. Much to his chagrin, they were always opening for a band we wanted to go see. -We were goofing off at band practice, and we somehow found ourselves watching Hatebreed videos on YouTube. My vocalist remarked: "Amazing. Hatebreed just transitioned seamlessly from one breakdown to a completely different breakdown." I chuckled. -My friend/occasional LVS contributor Colin went to Ozzfest when Hatebreed played before System of a Down, and was about to yell "HATEBREED SUCKS!", but before he could, this huge Mexican dude yelled "HATEBREED ROCKS!" and started headbanging violently. Colin decided it was wise to keep his mouth shut. -When I was a junior in high school (I think), me and my brother were watching a Hatebreed video in which some fat dude took off his shirt and his fat jiggled. My, how we did laugh.
When I was about nine years old, my mother decided it was time for me to find my "musical identity", so to speak. So she went out and bought a few CDs by artists who were popular at the time. And since it was the late 90's, this meant that every single one of them sucked and she should have bought Metallica and Slayer intead. Creed's "Human Clay" and Li'l Bow Wow's debut (I think) were two albums that I remembered her getting, and while I did like Creed at the time (for some reason), I never went the rap route that Li'l Bow Wow may have led me on. In retrospect, my mother was probably relieved at that, though she'd probably be disappointed by all the radio rap I listen to while partying. The other album I distinctly remember getting was Sugar Ray's "14:59". Sugar Ray were huge at the time, and I loved that album back in the day. Heck, even my parents loved it, as they probably appreciated the mellow vibe the album gave off. Plus, I think my mom had a crush on the lead singer. Regardless, the album did not start off with a mellow vibe, it started off with a death metal parody. That's right, brace yourself:
That intro riff is almost like "Disposable Heroes" as played by a generic Floridian death metal band through one of those starter amps that come with Fender Squires while the tremolo-picked outro actually reminds of when System of a Down would tremolo-pick. Yes, I know SOAD aren't metal, but that's what it reminds me of. If you listen closely, you can also hear a ripping guitar solo that reminds me a bit of Megadeth. And, sadly, it's the first time I'd ever heard anything close to death metal, though not the first time I'd heard metal in general (Pantera's guest musical spot on an episode of "Spongebob Squarepants" holds that title). If only the rest of the album was that good! Yes, I know the lyrics are making fun of the death metal vocal style, but I don't care. I do listen to Dethklok, after all. These days, that's the only song from that album I can even listen to, because the rest of "14:59" bores me to tears. On the note of "Popular Rock Bands With Metal Songs", check out Sum 41's Metallica ripoff/tribute, "The Bitter End":
It sounds like a bizarre combo of "No Remorse", "Blackened", "Battery", and even "St. Anger" (listen for the chords in the intro). I'm digging it, as Sum41 were one of the better "pop-punk" bands of the 2000's. Although I don't approve of them having a song entitled "Welcome to Hell". Guys, I don't know if you got the memo, but that was kind of already taken by one of the greatest extreme metal bands of all time, the Almighty Venom! At least they tried.
From about 2002 to 2006, System of a Down were my favorite band. I don't know what it was about them, but something about their Middle-Eastern influenced bizarro-rock** just stood out to me. Me and my brother had every single album they put out, and even looked up rare B-Sides on Limewire, like "The Metro", and "Marmalade". Heck, in my 10th grade Food Science class (yes, it was a real class), we were assigned to bring in food from a foreign country. And even though I am Caucasian to the bone, I looked up how to make Armenian rice, simply because of the fact that System of a Down were Armenian. Sure, they weren't exactly the heaviest band around, not were they even a metal band, but they had the ability to kick some major ass. Nothing was off limits for them: Middle-Eastern music, drop-C-tuned breakdowns (predating the metalcore explosion by a few years), tons of vocal harmonies over blast beats, anything went. Now that I think about, SOAD's "no limits" approach to songwriting probably planted the seeds for my own diverse taste. So I've decided to re-examine their entire studio discography, starting with their self-titled debut.
**If someone else has coined the term "Bizarro Rock", they can go get bent.
Now, for those unfamiliar with System of a Down, here's the lineup:
All were skilled at their various instruments contrary to popular belief, and all brought their own unique touch to form the band's unique sound. What does that sound sound like? Let's find out!
System of a Down (1998)
System of a Down's self-titled is one of the weirdest albums I've ever heard, and I'm a Primus fan, so that's saying something. Most of the weirdness comes from Serj Tankian's vocals. Good God, that dude can be one of the most awesome singers ever, or he can be the most annoying on the planet. Examples of the former can be found in "Aerials", the latter, half the songs on "Hypnotize" and "Mezmerize". This album also was the closest System came to Nu-Metal, although they were far superior to Slipknot and the other ilk of the late 90's. Beneath the chugging in drop-C, there was an underlying air of progressiveness and technical skill, though this would be easier to discern in the later albums. The first few songs kick things off to a great start. "Suite-Pee" is a very good representation of the System sound (at least on the debut), showing their lack of a "normal" song structure, but in a good way. "Know" features the best drumming on the album, and "Sugar", the first SOAD song I ever heard, is chock-filled of vocal weirdness with a simple guitar melody over a bassline reminiscent of "For Whom the Bell Tolls". Awesome as these first few jams are, the seventh track is the underrated gem of the album: "Soil", which features a breath-taking guitar solo by Malakian, one of the few in SOAD's discography. The last half of the album isn't quite as strong as he first, largely due to "Mind", which is incredibly boring and way too long for its own good. Tankian's vocals are also at their most grating, so you'd be wise to just skip this track. The follower, "Peephole", is also pretty lackluster, but the last three songs on the album are all pretty good, and there are 11 other good songs on that album anyway, so we can forgive SOAD for these little mis-steps. While I'm on the subject, "Peephole" starts with some electronic noises that remind me of the beginning of "Swing", by Savage, a.k.a. "The song from the club scene in 'Knocked Up'". I can't make this up. Furthermore, the bass tone sounds like a fart. Once again, I can't make this up. Luckily, the second-to-last track, "Darts", is close to being the heaviest on the album, with Serj's vocals taking on a cross between a growl and a scream, and it really works within the context of the song. The last track, "P.L.U.C.K." is pretty good, with a drum beat that makes one want to perform a jig. The track also feature backing vocals from Daron, who were (thankfully) a rarity at this point in the band's history. And just like that, the album is over, and you'll probably wonder "What the hell did I just listen to?" Don't worry, that's normal. System of a Down's debut, like many band's, is a far cry from the experimental monster they would become. Sure, there's hints of it, but they hadn't quite perfected the approach yet. Still, it's a fantastic album that needs to be owned by anyone who considers themselves a System of a Down fan, or even a rock fan in general.
Rating: 4.3/5 Stars
Toxicity (2001)
"Toxicity" was the shit back in the day, even if it isn't one of "The 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century...So Far." Every single song kicked ass, whether it was the melodic "Aerials", the mosh-friendly "Needles", or the low-end bass intro of "Psycho". This album pretty much ruled my life back in the day, and it still holds strong. Plus, how often do you get to hear a band mentioning circumcision in the lyrics? Speaking of which, I used to think there was some deep meaning to System of a Down's lyrics, but now I'm pretty sure it was just random shit they wrote while they were high. Exhibit A: Jet Pilot.
"Wired were the eyes of a horse on a jet pilot One that smiled when he flew over the bay"
...Huh? I've been in a few bands with people who wrote lyrics when high, and that looks like the modus operandi to me. Fortunately, I don't really pay attention to lyrics these days anyway, so as long as the music is good, I dig it. And the music is very good on "Toxicity". It's heavy without being metal, melodic without being cheesy, it's one of the essential rock albums from the 21st Century. In fact, it's a bit tough for me to review it, because I suck at writing good reviews and would much rather cop out and write a bad review of Atreyu's newest album. I'm a mediocre reviewer anyway, so that's beside the point. The point is, this is where System of a Down peaked. Sure, the later albums may have had songs on it that were better than anything on "Toxicity" ("Attack", "I-E-A-I-A-I-O", etc), but none of the albums worked better as a single body of work. There's no filler, no lame songs, no ambient interludes, just some incredibly strange rock. When I mentioned the "no limits" attitude that System had, I should have mentioned that it was on "Toxicity" that such an attitude really manifested itself. They were influenced by everyone from Slayer to Frank Zappa, and it showed in every song. This is the kind of genre-bending madness that so many bands these days (IWRESTLEDABEARONCE, I'm looking at you) try to do and fail miserably. How did SOAD succeed where so many bands have failed? Because SOAD was never wacky for the sake of being wacky. Any time they were a little "out there", it was because it was beneficial to the song itself, and that's what more musicians need to remember these days. When I went back and re-listened to this album, I'd completely forgotten about those jazz interludes, breakdowns, blastbeats, and everything else that made this album a masterpiece. And that's a shame, because this is one killer album, and it bums me out that I lost interest in it. But now, it's pretty safe to say that "Toxicity" will be getting added to regular rotation, because it deserves it.
Rating: 4.5/5 Stars
Steal This Album (2002)
And here we have the B-Side collection! Don't let the compilation aspect of this release fool you, there are a ton of great songs here that are definitely worth your money. Unfortunately, this was when SOAD's lyrics went from "vaguely cryptic" to "stupid as hell". Case in point: "Chic 'N' Stu."
I was never too big on songs about food (a theme System would later revisit on "Vicinity of Obscenity", which is actually a thinly-veiled metaphor for cum in the eyes and masturbation), and even System can't make good lyrics about PIZZA PIZZA PIE without sounding stupid. Being a B-Side collection, the songs are fairly different in style from each other. It's also the only System of a Down album that lays claim to having no bad songs. Yes, "36" isn't the greatest song in the world, but it's no "Mind" or "She's Like Heroin". The album also contains "Boom!", which had a video directed by Michael Moore. This was back in the days so anti-Bush I was one Rage Against the Machine album away from shipping up to Canada, so I thought that was pretty awesome. I've since adapted a more subdued approach to politics (read: I don't give a shit), but I still enjoy the song. The three best songs on the album are all clumped together. "A.D.D." is a mid-to-fast-paced song that's got a ton of punk rock influence in the chorus. The lyrics are anti-war (I think), and even though I don't care about political lyrics, it's still fun to yell "WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR WORLD!" "I-E-A-I-A-O" happens to be the best song on the album, and is also a bitch to type out. I always think of a cult chant when I hear the chorus, and it's enough to send chills down my spine. "Mr. Jack" is another incredibly eerie tune. The lyrics are incredibly dark, and I imagine they're about a police standoff, as evidenced by the chant of "FUCK YOU PIG!" that takes place at the end. I've had my share of run-ins with authority, so I'm going to appreciate any song about such an encounter, though I can't endorse the usage of the slur "pig", as I am strongly against such anti-police sentiment. The rest of the songs on the album aren't fantastic, but they're all competent and don't ruin the album. Even if this album is just a B-Side collection, it's easily good enough to go toe-to-toe with their regular albums, although I'd recommend illegally downloading it. Not because it's not worth your money, but because it says "Steal This Album" right there on the front. I feel like I'd be letting SOAD down if I didn't illegally partake of this album. Though if you're got balls, you'd steal music the old fashioned way: Tuck the CD into your pants, then run out of the store. If you get away, you will have a kickass album, but if you get caught, you'll go to jail and raped. It's a risk worth taking, if you ask me.
Rating: 4.2/5
Mezmerize (2005)
"Mezmerize" came out when I was a freshman in high school, and I remember my anticipation leading up to it was akin to your typical teenage girl's anticipation of a new "Twilight" movie, although not nearly as annoying. This was also whenever SOAD started to get really popular at my high school. Then again, I was a freshman, so it's not like I knew what was popular there before I showed up anyway. And I remember getting pissed off that all of a sudden, my favorite band was being listened to by more than me and my friends. Luckily, I grew out of that attitude pretty quickly. Hell, I'd kill for my football player friends to start telling me about how awesome Exhorder and Immolation are! I also remember System of a Down's infamous appearance on Saturday Night Live when Daron yelled "FUCK YEAH!" during "B.Y.O.B.", which my mom actually taped for me because I was in bed when it came on. Kudos to you Mom, this totally makes up for you buying me a Creed CD when I was 9. If I recall correctly, the first song that was released was "Cigaro", which kicked ass at the time, but in retrospect really showed the new direction that System of a Down was taking, namely Daron's vocals becoming a significant part of the band, and this was not a good thing. Not at all. Admittedly, Serj's vocals were never the stuff of Freddie Mercury, but Daron's vocals were incredibly whiny and nasally, which is never a good thing. Along those lines, this was also the first SOAD album that started to be a mixed bag with regard to the song quality. On one hand, you had some awesome parts like the blast-beats (!) in "B.Y.O.B." and the excellent album closer "Lost in Hollywood", but you also had "Radio/Video" and the absurdly-titled "This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song", which aren't anywhere near the quality of the other songs on the album. "Radio/Video" goes on for far too long, and the "la"s at the end just sound stupid to me. "...Cocaine..." has its moments, but I wouldn't lose sleep if I never heard it again. "Violent Pornography" follows, which isn't a bad song, but if you're listening to the edited version (a requirement laid down by my parents when I was 15), it's nigh-incomprehensible. "Choking", "sodomy", and "shit" are censored, and so if you're listening to it, you'll just be scratching your head. After those three "OK" songs, we get the absolute masterpiece of the album, "Question?", which is right up there with anything SOAD ever wrote. That riff that goes like "DA DA DA DADADA" will be stuck in your head for days. FUN FACT: There's a part in "Revenga" that apparently sounds a whole lot like an Emperor song, but I wouldn't know that because I don't like Emperor. Overall, I'd say this is the weakest of System of a Down's discography. It's still worth your money, but don't expect it to be as awesome as their previous three albums. Basically, the beginning and end of the album slays with thrashy riffs (Sad Statue, B.Y.O.B.), catchy vocals (Cigaro), and a unique sound that should be heard by any music fan.
Rating: 4/5
Hypnotize (2005)
"Hypnotize" starts off ferociously with one of SOAD's heaviest songs ever, "Attack", which finished with the following incredibly metal lyrics:
"Attack all the homes and villages Attack all the schools and hospitals You attack all the rapes and pillages We shall attack!"
System of a Down may not be a metal band (and I will argue that to the death), but this is definitely a metal song. In fact, this is definitely SOAD's heaviest release since "Toxicity", and it would even be pretty close to topping "Toxicity" if it weren't for "She's Like Heroin" and "Lonely Day", which are the two worst songs SOAD ever wrote and are total anus cakes.*
*Late addition to the Jaketionary. Coined by a disgruntled reader of the deathcore write-up, it refers to something incredibly awful.
Luckily, those are the only two clunkers on the album (though "Vicinity of Obscenity"'s lyrics render it dangerously close to 'skip track' territory). "Holy Mountains" is another badass track with the balls to yell "SODOMIZER!", which was awesome when I first heard it, although it could be interpreted as being pretty homophobic. As to whether that's the intended purpose, I don't know, because, as I mentioned in the "Steal This Album!" section, I quit trying to figure out System's lyrics many moons ago. I do know that "Kill Rock and Roll" is about a rabbit that Daron accidentally ran over with his lawnmower. He named it "Rock and Roll", which is a great name for a bunny, although not as good as a name as "Lemmy". Other lyrical gems include "beat the meat" from "Vicinity of Obscenity", which was the funniest thing in the world at the age of 15, and truth be told, it still makes me chuckle heartily. As a side note, I'd completely forgotten about all the blast beats in some of songs on this album. The previously mentioned "Attack" and "Dreaming" are just full of them, and that's definitely a good thing. The album closes strong with "Soldier Side", with tremolo picking that sounds literally mournful. Those Suicidal Depressive Black Metal bands could learn a thing or two from this song. I'd imagine a few dozen black metal fans heads just exploded at me saying that a "untrve mallcore band" is better than Xasthur or Leviathan or whatever else they're listening to these days, but I don't care. The song is just so remorseful, and the theme of soldiers going off to die, despite being omnipresent in hard rock and metal, still manages to tug at your heartstrings. It's a great way to end "Hypnotize", and is also a great way to end System of a Down's career, which tragically was laid to rest a year after the album came out, as I'll explain below.
Rating: 4.1/5
After "Hypnotize", System of a Down basically fell apart, and they went on an "infinite hiatus", and we all know what that means. Serj went off to do a solo career who elicited a "meh" from me, Daron went off to do Scars on Broadway, which is an awful band name and also incredibly boring music, and I have no clue what Shavo or John are doing. I think Shavo's working with some dude from the Wu Tang Clan, but I'm too lazy to look that up. That's a damned shame to me, because if you look at the rock landscape around the time SOAD came out, it sucked. That was the era of Korn, Limp Bizkit, Adema, and other craptastic bands, and it's damned shame that a creative, unique band went and broke up. Oh well, at least we have Coheed and Cambria and Mastodon to keep things real. Maybe System will get back together, and if that happens, I'll be the first in line to buy tickets to their first show. But if not, at least we'll have five of the greatest, albeit strangest, rock albums of the 21st century. And for now, I'm absolutely fine with that. I'll conclude this post with a video of the band in their prime, performing "Aerials" in 2002 at the Big Day Out festival in Australia. It's always how I'll remember them.
You're in luck, because MGM has put up the entire "Dollars" trilogy on YouTube. In case you're a loser and have no idea what I'm talking about, the "Dollars Trilogy" refers to three Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns starring LVS's favorite old-school actor/Halloween costume Clint Eastwood. The final of the trilogy, "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" is one of the finest films ever made, and also contains the most epic piece of music ever written. "For A Few Dollars More" is also amazing, and also stars the mustachioed badass Lee Van Cleef, who was also in "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" as "The Bad". I've only seen the first ten minutes of "A Fistful of Dollars", because right when we sat down to watch it, we got called off to stop a rumble. True story. Anyway, YouTube won't let me embed the videos, but here are the links, in all their glory:
If you don't watch at least one of those, you're dead to me. After all, given as how tonight is the "New Moon" premiere, you've been given the opportunity to combat the scent of weak-sauceitude coming from every girl's Facebook status with sheer, raw testosterone. If you don't do it, then "Twilight" wins. And nobody wants that. Also, I haven't been into anime since I was about thirteen, but someone put up every episode of Samurai Champloo and Trigun, which were two of the only five anime worth caring about, the other two being Rurouni Kenshin, Cowboy Bebop, and Dragon Ball Z. So if you're sitting at home, by yourself like a loser (or me), go check 'em out. You'll dig it.
It should be no surprise to anyone that reads this blog that I am filled with horrible ideas. I've looked back on everything from bad haircuts to musical purchases (read: Nirvana) and thought "What the hell was I thinking?" One such disaster came from my freshman year in college, when I decided, for some reason, to rot a pumpkin in my apartment, as if I didn't have enough difficulty getting laid as is. I decided to chronicle this bizarre experiment in a series of photos that have been on my Facebook forever, but I've decided to post them here for your amusement. I'm also posting it because I have no new material and feel like phoning in an update. That's the LVS way, dammit! And so, let's take a look at "Slowly We Rot: The Jake Strangiato Pumpkin Story".
Note the pumpkin's nice, rounded shape, and how amateurishly carved it is. In my defense, this was my first pumpkin carving and I'm never good at anything the first time I try it, see: Anything involving mathematics. I'm pretty sure we listened to Budgie's "Crash Course in Brain Surgery" while we were carving the pumpkin, as that happens to be a perfect song for such an occasion. Also, check my sweet Motorhead shirt, which I happen to be wearing as I write this.
A week later. What a rip off, seven days and it's already rotting! Of course, I bought it at WalMart for about six bucks, so you get what you pay for.
The next morning. That's a pretty noticeable decline in quality in a mere 12 hours. At the time, I predicted that "this sucker [wouldn't] last more than two days." Would my prediction come true? Let's wait and see! By the way, kudos to my roommates for putting up with this abomination.
At this point, the pumpkin is definitely not too happy. You can just tell that somewhere, deep in the candle that functions as his brain, that he's shouting "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?" Sorry pumpkin, it's not your fault you're so fun to rot.
My God, it's decay is exponential! There seems to be some kind of ungodly fungus growing out of its mouth. Methinks I should put this thing out of its misery....nah, let's give it a few more days.
This poor thing just needs to die. I can only imagine the look on my RA's face if he ever came by to do room inspection and saw this monstrosity on the kitchen table. I'd imagine he would be rather horrified.
Now the eyes have completely sunken into his head, and it looks like his nose has become an eye, like a Cysquatch. The fungus is pretty bad at this point, although you could say that any fungus is pretty bad. You'd be right.
This was when I finally said "enough is enough", and decided to throw the poor Jake O' Lantern away. It had a good run.
BUT WE AIN'T DONE YET, MAN! Here's one more photo that really shows the extent of how fucked-up this pumpkin was. That is one gnarly fungus on the side of the pumpkin, and it seems to resemble the entire continent of Asia. I don't mean Asia looks fungus-y, but it does have the same shape. I don't know why my roommates didn't kick me out of the apartment for this.
This is the other side of the pumpkin. Note the large, fungus-filled gash on its side that's making me feel sick just looking at it. You can also see the white fungus coming out of the top. Between this and my hobo look, I am convinced that I was clinically insane during my first semester of college.
After I came to my senses, I began to remove the pumpkin from my apartment. Only problem: The pumpkin had sort of "fused" with the table, and there was no way I could remove it without taking it apart. And because dismantling it with my bare hands would be an incredibly stupid decision (not like I haven't made stupid decisions in the past), I had to use a knife and fork which I threw away afterward. Yeah, the inside of that pumpkin ain't lookin' too good, kind of like some kid's science project that went horrible, horribly wrong.
And here it is in the trash can, which was immediately taken out. R.I.P. Jake-O-Lantern, 2008-2008.
What have I learned from this whole debacle? I learned that this was the stupidest thing I ever did that semester, besides trying to hook up with this one vegan chick from my math class who had a boyfriend that I didn't know about. That reminds me, I need to go throw out some milk in our fridge that's been in there since the beginning of the semester. Had I not done this post, I probably would have forgotten about it and it would have probably evolved into some unholy abomination of lactose death. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go prevent such an atrocity from occurring. Adios!
All material on La Vida Strangiato is copyright Jake Strangiato, 2008-2009, except in cases of music, film, or other assorted properties hosted on La Vida Strangiato owned by other parties.
It's not too often that I get to use the "Vulgar Display of Ownage" tag, but when I do, it's incredibly satisfying. By the way, you know how I got that image on my computer? I saved it to my computer and re-uploaded it to Blogger, and it took all of five seconds. See Caleb, it's not that tough, now is it?
